From The Across The Pond Mailbag

Madame's Nightshirt
Mrs. Peperium

First, I must say, who knew? Now read on...

Our Dear Mrs. P,

It was with great disappointment, confusion and we'll admit since we are women, a fair amount of consternation, to learn that you think that our Prince William looks like your Eleanor Roosevelt. Surely you cannot believe Wills resembles America's First Lesbian? This appears to be most unfair. Even uncalled for. Yes, it is true, as you never hesitate to point out, that lesbianism is all the rage among young men of marrying age in the Church of England today. While Wills intends to be the head of the Church someday, this does not mean he automatically looks like a lesbian. Why, one of our own mothers found Wills to be so good-looking that one of us was actually sent to St. Andrew's in hopes of catching his eye. But much to this mother's disappointment, Kate Middleton had already appeared before him doing her best impression of a peek-a-boo tart. That was the day she revealed her jam filling for charity's sake. (Sweet Charity all of our mothers now say.) Wills was firmly in her grasp by the time one of us appeared within the environs of St. Andrew's.

You may not be aware but in certain rooms in St. Andrew's it was and still is believed that you have a devil-may-care attitude with the many of the things you say. And even more of a devilish proposal for your friends and readers, is that it is near to impossible to determine when you are serious and when you aren't. This is why we felt we needed to address you. Are you serious?

Yours as ever,

Elspeth and Jane (the names have been changed), plus 1 other flatmate who desires to remain nameless as she's the token Catholic

Somewhat near, you could say, Old Brompton Road, South Kensington

(Elspeth and Jane and their token Catholic flatmate who desires to remain nameless have very kindly allowed the following to be shared with you.)

My Dear Elspeth and Jane and their token Catholic flatmate who desires to remain nameless,

First, I must say I am delighted to learn we have three young readers of the female persuasion from somewhat near, you could say, Old Brompton Road in South Kensington. If memory still holds, Mr. P used to order books for me from a bookseller on Old Brompton Road.

Now, let's address your questions, shall we?

First, does Prince William or Wills, resemble Eleanor Roosevelt? Well, it's Spring and I'm in a sporting mood. Why don't we allow Messrs. Eastman and Kodak to settle this one, once and for all?

Eleanor Roosevelt, view I

Eleanor Roosevelt, view II

Prince William, view I

Prince William, view II

Messrs. Eastman and Kodak say the resemblance between Eleanor Roosevelt is not only a strong one, it is a scary one. Very scary considering the developments of the last 50 years within the walls of the Church of England and Viscount David Linley's recent scandal it must be noted. While I must agree with Messrs. Eastman and Kodak's assessment, I would say Prince William himself, can do much to cut down on his resemblance to America's First Lesbian, Eleanor Roosevelt. Prince William must stop listening to Kate Middleton. Now. It is she who is behind this lesbian look for Prince William because she cannot accept the fact her Prince has lost his hair.

How do I know this you ask? Easy. Look at the top of View II of Prince William. As you can see he has a ruff of hair just above his forehead and behind that, most of his hair has departed for greener pastures. This is no big deal. Really. It happens to many, if not most men at some point in their lives. It's all how one handles this departure of hair loss that separates the men from the lesbians. Prince William, no doubt due to Kate Middleton's influence is trying to pretend he has not lost his hair. In the haircutting world, this is called Mistake No.1 with male hair loss.

It is not uncommon for women, like Kate Middleton, who have forced their men to commit Mistake No.1 with male hair loss to then make them worse felons in the haircutting world by committing Mistake No.2 with male hair loss. Mistake No.2 is trying to make the remaining hair appear much more thick than it is. If you look at Prince William, View II you can easily detect by the most unnatural texture and dull appearance of his ruff, that he is trying to thicken it with hair mousse or something even worse; eye of newt. Kate might even be forcing him to 'perm' it. As a result, Will's ruff is doing its best impression of the 'shingled bob' style that Eleanor Roosevelt is sporting in View I. The 'shingled bob' was a form of permanent wave and was very popular among women and lesbians in Eleanor Roosevelt's day. The main complaint by men concerning the shingled bob was that when backs were turned it was impossible to tell the difference between a man, a woman, and a lesbian. Since Eleanor Roosevelt was 5'11 3/4" and Prince William is 6'3" it would be next to impossible for a man of good eyesight to determine which one of them was the lesbian if their had their backs turned to him.

When it comes to losing his hair Prince William must not do as lesbians do, he must do as men do. Men suck it up and cut what remaining hair they have left. They cut it short. Very short. Men do not need hair to be attractive. Only women do. And do you know what, when a man loses his hair and has the courage to cut what is left short, it looks positively fabulous as Prince William's uncle, Prince Edward, demonstrates here

Just look how attractive Prince Edward is. But of course being attractive comes easier to him than Prince William as Edward got his mother's teeth. Unfortunately, Prince William got his mother's chipmunk teeth. Oh, and will you look at where Edward's baby boy has his hand. No confusion there. Prince Edward is getting his little Viscount off to the right start. Good job Prince Edward! Oh, if only you could inherit the throne then England might be England again.

Now, for your second question, am I serious?

I am always serious. It's just that my subjects aren't.

Thank you for writing Elspeth, Jane and the flatmate who desires to remain nameless as she's the token Catholic. All in all, it has been a highly enjoyable correspondance. Please send in more questions and do visit us often here at Patum Peperium.

Warmest Regards,

Mrs. P

Comments

[MCNS]

I thought it was Prince Edward who was the lesbian. Or was that thespian?

[Josh]

Actually, there was no Mr Kodak. Kodak was just a nonsense word invented by Mr Eastman!

[Robbo the Llama Butcher]

"That was the day she revealed her jam filling for charity's sake."

Ah, do I even want to know?

[Old Dominion Tory]

Perhaps, Mrs. Peperium meant to write, ". . . for chastity." But even then I don't think I want to know.

[Mrs. Peperium]

You know Elk, you bring up a good point. The Royal family has a complete PR nightmare on their hands if we are to believe, like the Press would like us to believe that Prince Edward is the actual pansy in the family.

Why is this a PR nightmare you ask? Easy. The Royal family's family business in marriage and the production of Royal offspring. It is not organic veg, no matter what Prince Charles would like you to think.

So, how does it look to the rest of the world that it is only the pansy who appears to be a happily married man and proof of that happiness, brought forth a son with his wife after age 40? Heck, by 40, Andrew's wife had had her toes sucked how many times by men other than Andrew? And Charles' wife never made it to 40 because she was pancaked in a Mercedes in a tunnel with a Muslim who was a coke addict.

More than that, the Church which the family runs is now making the case that pansies cannot be happily married to women. Yes, it most certainly is.

So, if Edward really is a pansy like you say, I think the Royal family has to kill him before he causes any more trouble by being happily married. They have to do this soon. Before Lambeth one would guess.

Poor Edward. He's my favorite.

[Curious]

Mrs. P, I'm curious to know your thoughts on Autumn Kelly's decision to fold under the Windsor pressure to convert to the CofE and have her kids baptized into the CofE rather than be RC.