Pillow Talk Makes Me Hungry

It's all his fault:

Anyhoo...

It is because of a comment that Mrs. P left for "His Most Exhalted Worshipful Grand Villain Enthroned in the East" on this post that he feels he must write the post you are reading. Go and read the post - it can only help frame the context of this post.

Mrs P wondered if Smithfield Hams are fed peanuts. This is an excellent question. Let's do a little field guide to hams shall we?

First off, if you read the PP post, you might wonder what makes a Serrano Ham a Serrano Ham? Well... A Serrano Ham is a particular breed of Spanish Pig that is "finished" on acorns. By "finishing" "His Most Exhalted Worshipful Grand Villain Enthroned in the East" means that the pig is fattened for a period lasting between 30 and 90 days on some suppliment to its regular diet before slaughter. In the case of the pig that becomes Serrano Ham, the suppliment is acorns. The pig is finished, then slaughtered. The hams are air cured in the mountains of Spain. The ham has a mild flavor which is accented by a nutty aroma and taste.

Many people prefer Westphalian Ham to Serrano. As it turns out, the Westphalian ham comes from the same white pig as does Serrano Ham. Indeed, the pigs that will become Westphalian Ham are also finished on acorns. But, in the case of Westphalian Ham, the pigs are slaughtered and smoked using juniper wood in Germany. The Westphalian Ham, as a consequence, has a smoky and herbal flavor imbued in the meat.

Now, Mrs P specifically asked about Smithfield Hams and peanuts. Allow your "His Most Exhalted Worshipful Grand Villain Enthroned in the East" to address that question. A pig that is finished on peanuts and then is slaughtered and cured in any fashion is a Virginia Ham. You often find Virginia Ham (or Virginia Style Ham) in the deli section of your local supermarket. The curing is inconseqential to the appelation of "Virginia Ham." So long as the pig is finished on peanuts, it is a Virginia Ham.

A Smithfield Ham, on the other hand, is a ham that is salt-cured and aged in or around Smithfield, Virginia. (Technically, a Smithfield Ham can come from the Town of Smithfield, Virginia or the surrounding county - Isle of Wright County, VA. Due to a peculiar historical circumstance, towns and cities in Virginia are not part of the counties in which they reside. So, Smithfield, VA is a completely separate jurisdiction from the surrounding Isle of Wright County.) Smithfield Hams are almost always smoked and salt-cured. Though His Most Exhalted Worshipful Grand Villain Enthroned in the East" is familiar with a brand that is salt-cured but not smoked.

Smithfield Hams are the premier type of "Country Ham." They have been smoking and curing hams in Smithfield, VA since 1635. They have the method down pretty well. In other areas of the United States, when a ham is salt-cured it is a Country Ham. Although, many will use the appelations "Smithfield" and "Country" rather interchangably. "His Most Exhalted Worshipful Grand Villain Enthroned in the East" only buys and prepares Smithfield Hams. Indeed, he generally does the trek to Smithfield once a year to pick his ham out of the Joyner's smokehouse... (But that is another story.)

Smithfield and Country Hams are known for their saltiness. Indeed, in order to be vaugely edible, the hams have to be soaked in water for hours (if not days) before they are boiled and cooked. "His Most Exhalted Worshipful Grand Villain Enthroned in the East" , when preparing a Smithfield Ham, generally soaks his ham in a cooler of fresh water for 5 days. He changes the water every 8 hours. (For your information, your Maximum Leader never gets Smithfield Hams under 15 pounds. For all the work involved one should just go whole hog... As it were.) After soaking for 5 or so days, he boils the ham in a large cauldron for about 20-25 mins per pound. And he should note that the poundage of the ham has increased as the moisture - which was removed from the meat in the salt-curing process - was replaced. So, his 15 pound ham from the smokehouse is likely closer to 20-25 pounds heavy when it goes into the cauldron.

Once the ham has been boiled, "His Most Exhalted Worshipful Grand Villain Enthroned in the East" trims off the fat and likes to put on a glaze of mustard, honey, and brown sugar. Not much glaze. Just enough to flavor the quarter inch or so of fat he leaves on the ham. Then he bakes the ham at 350 for long enough to crystalize the glaze.

Once cooked, Smithfield ham must be cut very thin. Even with the soaking the meat is still salty. If cut too thick it can also be stringy and tough to chew. Shaved Smithfield Ham is the way to go.

Now one more note on the Smithfield Hams. As they are salt-cured, they do not require refridgeration. Just hang them in a cool dark place and they will last for years. And "His Most Exhalted Worshipful Grand Villain Enthroned in the East" can vouch for that. You see, as he mentioned, "His Most Exhalted Worshipful Grand Villain Enthroned in the East" goes down to Smithfield to purchase a ham annually. Round about 1991 he was asked by a friend to pick up an additional ham - for the friend. "His Most Exhalted Worshipful Grand Villain Enthroned in the East" did this. But the friend determined after the ham was purchased that it was too much work to prepare. So, "His Most Exhalted Worshipful Grand Villain Enthroned in the East" took the ham down to the basement, hung it up in a closet, and forgot about it. Forgot about the ham for about 6 years. Yes... Six years...

Upon remembering the ham, there was great discussion among the extended Villainous family as to whether or not the ham would be any good. "His Most Exhalted Worshipful Grand Villain Enthroned in the East" proclaimed that it would be fine. Over time the salty flavor of the cured ham intensifies - but the meat shouldn't spoil. So, "His Most Exhalted Worshipful Grand Villain Enthroned in the East" did prepare the ham. He soaked it for 8 days (instead of 5) and prepared it as normal. It was quite delicious, if he does say so himself.

Now, one more thing about the Smithfield Ham. When you buy a Smithfield Ham they come wrapped in butcher's paper and then placed in a cotton sack. The cotton sack is shaped just like the ham. There is something you have to do with the sack after you've cooked the ham... You make the Ham Pillow. Yes, loyal readers, the Ham Pillow. Indeed, it is a great honor to be bestowed a Ham Pillow by "His Most Exhalted Worshipful Grand Villain Enthroned in the East" . The cotton sack is laundered. Then filled with washable pillow filling. Then it is sewn up along the open end with bright red string. "His Most Exhalted Worshipful Grand Villain Enthroned in the East" has a few Ham Pillows himself. They make for great props while watching films on the sofa. And in some extreme cases he's heard of people cuddling with them at night while their good lady wife was away... Always keep the bag and make a Ham Pillow.

Just in case you were wondering where "His Most Exhalted Worshipful Grand Villain Enthroned in the East" came up with the idea of a Ham Pillow... It was actually the idea of one of President John Tyler's grand-children. One of President Tyler's grand-daughters thought it would be a funny thing to make a pillow out of the bag they kept the ham in. Many generations later, the Tyler women were still making Ham Pillows and distributing them to friends. This was how your Maximum Leader came upon the idea...

Now, "His Most Exhalted Worshipful Grand Villain Enthroned in the East" has completely exhausted himself on his ham exposition. And he hasn't even hit Parma, York, Mainz, Prauge, or Paris style hams... Well... They will just have to wait for another day.

Carry on.

This, however, does dampen the appetite:

"U.S. Muslim groups criticized President Bush on Thursday for calling a foiled plot to blow up airplanes part of a 'war with Islamic fascists,' saying the term could inflame anti-Muslim tensions," Reuters reports (via reader Erik Sass).

"We believe this is an ill-advised term and we believe that it is counterproductive to associate Islam or Muslims with fascism," said Nihad Awad, executive director of the Council on American-Islamic Relations advocacy group. "We ought to take advantage of these incidents to make sure that we do not start a religious war against Islam and Muslims," he told a news conference in Washington.
Maybe we're missing something, but Al Qaeda and these terrorists who planned to blow up planes are Muslims who are waging a holy war against us infidels. Calling them "Islamic fascists" is distancing them from peaceful Muslims.
CAIR's instant objection, reminds me of a great Mark Steyn line:

I believe the old definition of a nanosecond was the gap between a New York traffic light changing to green and the first honk of a driver behind you. Today, the definition of a nanosecond is the gap between a Western terrorist incident and the press release of a Muslim lobby group warning of an impending outbreak of Islamophobia."

The moral of this post is to eat as much Smithfield ham as possible and send all your Ham pillows to our peaceful friends in the middle east who aren't engaged in a murderous religious war against us, dear sweet Hezbollah. The Hezbos can use the Ham pillows for protective head gear against the Israeli bunker-busting bombs.

Comments

[The Editors]

Sorry bread recipe. You were mistaken for a spammer.

[Fiendish]

PUBLIC NOTICE

To Whom It May Concern:
I, Fiendish Lout, hereby disclaim all responsibility for any miscommunications resulting from phone calls between (a) my Blackberry (which is great for email, but would rival an East German cell phone if East Germany was still around and making cell phones) and (b) any cell phones being operated within the premises known as Dick O'Dow's (including, without limitation, Mrs. C's cell phone which was in use last night from said loaction). Without limiting the generality of the foregoing, any statement I may have made last night, such as "yes," "OK," "un huh" or words of similar import must not be construted as agreement to any wild statements made to me by Mrs. P, Mrs. C or Mr. P (Cardinal wisely stayed out of this). I was just trying to make polite sounds as I strained to hear. The above disclaimer will also apply to any cell phone calls any of you may make to me in the future from the scene of a riot or from outdoors during a hurricane. Nevertheless, it was nice to hear that you are all well and have not been banned from Dick O'Dow's.

[Sasha]

Fiendish was seen sporting sandals with pedicured toes as he boarded his morning bus.

[Sasha]

Fiendish was seen sporting sandals with pedicured toes as he boarded his morning bus.

[Your Correspondent (I heard it all!)]

Here's what your "yes," "OK," and "un huh" were in answer to, Fiendish.

1) Mrs P: "So Fiendish, I told this stupid drunk that his back is his own problem. I mean, why is he talking to me about it? Let him go to some ER and squawk at some quack. I just told him I want that twenty-two bucks for Little Bertie's broken car and that if he doesn't cough up we'll sue him and put him in jail. Now, doesn't that sound resonable? And if you don't agree with me I expect you to clearly say so right now. But don't you think I'm being completely reasonable? Will you pursue this for me? Shall I put this drunk on the phone so you can threaten him?"
Fiendish Lout: "Yes."

2) Marupa: "Will you take me out this weekend and buy me a lot of drinks? I'll make it worth your while."
Fiendish Lout: "OK."

3) Mrs C: "So you're telling me that you're at the bar at the New York Athletic Club wearing a seersucker sport jacket and blue jeans? And you've decided to become a bad boy? What, you and Andrew? It's so hard to believe. And then this thing about taking Marupa out this weekend. Frankly, I'm shocked. Are you sure you want to get into the slimey underworld of this bad boy thing?"
Fiendish Lout: "Un huh."

[mandingo jones]

A suggestion:

1. Take any of the hams mentioned above, Serrano, Smithfield, or Virginia and slice thin. Place on a nice baguette which has been sliced open. Slather (not so liberally) with Dijon, and add some slices of Swiss or Jarlsberg cheese. Some slices of Manchego cheese are good if you are only using serrano, or some (not so sharp) provolone if you live in Philadelphia. Add a few sliced thin dill pickles. Put the whole thing under a panini press or use a frying pan with a brick wrapped in aluminum foil. Press down until the bread is toasty and the cheese is melted inside. Enjoy.

2. Open up a sandwich stand in Dearborne-stan Mich. selling the above sandwiches. Hang a picture of Teddy Roosevelt walking softly but wielding a big stick and play John Philip Sousa music - and if certain residents don't like it - too bad. Donate part of the proceeds to Israeli orphans.

[The Maximum Leader]

I'm afraid that the lunch stand in Dearborn might not make lots of profit if the locals become too inflamed. (If my understanding of Dearborn locals is correct.)

The locals will, however, be missing some really tasty sandwiches.

[mandingo]

If the locals become "inflamed" they can always use Prep. H - but enough of that - this is a family site.

[The Maximum Leader]

Touche.

[Tigerlily]

Fiendish Lout just seen having lunch with 8 other shoeless men - all look like lawyers or worse, judges- at Yokohama Mamma's Cold Noodle and Sake shop. Fiendish needs to work on his chopsticks.

[Hosni "Bacon" Fayad]

I am not thinking that Mr. Jones is being serious, but boy would I ever love a restaurant like that.

By the way, did I ever tell you that my daughter, Kadija, plays the Sousa phone?

[Jamie]

Andrew Cusack just seen boarding NYC-bound train with directions to NYAC in his hand and navy blue cotton gym bag with large zipper and even larger Speedo logo emblazened across its side. If it has what we think it has inside - I'll just go be sick now.

[Hosni "Bacon" Fayad]

I almost forgot, my favorite U. S. President is Teddy Roosevelt! "Speak softly and carry that big stick!" Am I right?

TR and RR (President Reagan --another best!)

[mandingo jones]

New York Athletic Club, anything in seersucker, and blue jeans?

A volatile mixture.

[Marupa]

Mr. Mandingo Jones, perhaps you would like to take me out for a cuban sandwich and some rum. Do you own anything seersucker? What do you think of Castro? Do you have any oil stock? Just trying to make conversation.

[Tigerlily]

Fiendish Lout, wearing sandals, just ducked into the Sixth Avenue swim shop, Different Strokes and emerged carrying small navy blue plastic bag with large white Speedo logo.

[Fiendish]

I not sure what is in these bags. Somebody better call Homeland Security--I don't think the NYAC doormen are up to the task of protecting us in these troubled times.

[mandingo jones]

Marupa:

Do you know any place in NYC that makes Cuban sandwiches? I only have the pleasure of eating them in Miami.

Hmmm...rum, with Cuban sandwiches? Interesting, maybe a mojito.

I do not like 80 year old smelly men with beards who at that age still wear combat uniforms.

My father was into seersucker, I don't own anything like that - I am into sandals, polos, gurkha shorts, and baseball caps, black tees, and khaki pants with cuffs.

Alas, I don't own any oil stock, but bad boy Gérard Depardieu does own some oil wells in and off shore in Cuba - and that is a true fact, google it - he luvs castro.

[Paddy McMurphy, head doorman of NYAC for 35 years]

While it is against club rules for me to share the contents of Mr. Fiendish Lout's bags or the contents of his guests' bags, I can share with you that that ham sandwiches do not figure among the items. Also, it is safe to say because it is common knowledge around the club that Renny the poolman has stated that Mr. Lout wears teal blue better than most men.

[Fiendish]

Paddy, I take back what I said before. I actually phoned that comment in over my accursed Blackberry (about which, see my first comment for this "Pillow Talk" post), so I am not actually responsible for the content of "my" comment. In which event, come to think of it, I take back my first sentence in this comment. OK?

[Marupa]

Mr. Jones: No oil, hunh. Are you sure? Could you send me a Dun and Bradstreet? And then we will talk mojitos.

[Paddy McMurphy, head doorman of NYAC for 35 years]

As you wish Mr. Lout. Now, if you could see your way to sending a few pints of Guinness and a few plates of oysters to the lads out front tonight, then I will gladly swear on the family bible that a guest of yours who bears an uncanny likeness to the young man described above by 'Jamie' IS NOT at this very moment splashing around the club pool clad in European-style swimwear (azure and flame red strips according to Renny) with an inflatible innertube with a yellow ducky motif around his waist.

[Andrew Cusack]

I neglect to check the comment box for one day and all hell brakes loose. What's all this hootenany about? And surely the NYAC does not permit the wearing of 'blue jeans'!

[Paddy McMurphy, doorman]

You should have seen what happened in the hotel lobby of the Townsend Hotel last night.

All I will say for now is that Mrs P was landing Harriers much to everyones shock and chagrin.

P.S. BTW, Mrs P, the Marines have, are and always will be with JWT Atlanta. They are the only one of the services that have not regularly changed agencies.

[Mrs. Peperium]

All I can say is that it's a good thing that Harriers don't require runways.