Madame's Nightshirt
Mrs. Peperium
"My doctor and I go way back." said Mrs. P as she was pouring the tea. "I first came to his practice when he was the junior partner. Oh, this will amuse you. You know my friend, the Card's Wife, don't you?" asked Mrs. P.
"Yes. The pro-lifer that looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt and shows up at abortion mill Vigils in her Boxter." responded Father M.
"Correction : the pro-lifer that resembles Jennifer Love Hewitt and shows up at abortion mill Vigils in her Boxter with the top down." said Mrs. P. "Years and years ago, she and I had the same doctor. And you'll never believe this --he's a dead ringer for Basil Seal. Well, Basil is a tad more Marine-like about the shoulders. The Card's wife almost died when she saw how much Basil looks like her doctor. I just laughed. How could you not? I mean, could God get any funnier?"
"Probably not." said Father M, laughing. "Does Basil know about this likeness?"
"Are you kidding? The Card's wife would kill me if I ever let that cat out of the bag." said Mrs. P "That doctor delivered both of her kids. Imagine how weird that would be? I mean weird to have someone like Basil deliver your children? A woman might not ever recover from that. And we know Basil wouldn't."
Just keep nodding and smiling. Father M. kept repeating. (to himself, of course)
"Anyhoo, I did something with my doctors you never do with horses. I changed them mid-stream. Thankfully, I traded in the doctor that looked like Basil for a new one. I was already in the family way when I changed them. The new doctor I drew was the head of his practice. Now, imagine a very debonair man of mature years who was the family OB/GYN to one of the local locco automotive families, as well as the head baby doctor at the hospital, sitting behind a huge sleek black desk and Mr. P and I sitting in two black leather chairs on the other side. My new doctor looked at me and while pointing with his gold pen in Mr. P's general direction, asked, "Is this your husband?" "Yes, And he's the father of the baby too." was my response. Mr. P immediately cringed and said rather tersely, "You did not need to say that." "In this town I do." I responded sweetly. (The tone of voice does make all the difference, doesn't it Father?) My doctor looked up from his writing, cracked a smile and said, "Yes, she does." Later he said, that was when I became his favorite patient. Well, favorite patient next to the women in the local locco automotive family, naturally. He wasn't a stupid man. He knew which side his bread was buttered on. Oh, how I loved him. But then he left me. He retired before Roger Kimball's future daughter-in-law was born. So it was up to his junior partner, my doctor now, to bring her into the world without me checking out of it. Which he did. Though things got very dicey at the end. He and his assistant had to work very quickly to save us both. In the confusion of the moment, his assistant accidentally sliced RKFDIL's forehead open --just a small slice up around her hairline--with the surgical knife they were supposed to be using on me. Oh, his assistant felt so terrible too. But we didn't care. RKFDIL was alive, I was alive and we were now a family. That Christmas, we sent my doctor a marvelous photo of RKFDIL. It was a close-up of her face, sound asleep and wrapped snuggly in a soft pink woolen blanket in her crib. Mr. P took a thick black marker to the photo and drew a large Frankenstein-like scar with stitching across her forehead. Then in my very best finishing school handwriting, I wrote, Merry Christmas, Love Scarface.
"You signed it Scarface?" asked Father
"Of course we signed it Scarface." said Mrs. P. "I mean, the truth is you have a doctor that saved our lives. It was only because of the heat of the moment, he nicked the baby's head on the way out. Lesser types, always on the lookout for a quick buck, would have then turned around and tried to sue the man. It was the perfect situation to set ourselves apart from the pack and perform a good deed."
"A good deed?" queried Father M.
"Our doctor still has that photo. And it still makes him laugh."
"Ah." said Father M. "So is this the doctor who apologized to you?"
Mrs. P nodded most solemnly. "And do you want to know why?" she asked
"I'm really not sure I do." said Father M. thinking how proud his mother would be of his honesty.
"Oh Father, fear not, I would never go all graphic with you. That just isn't done is it?"
"You'd be surprised how frequently it is done, said Father M. grimly, "and with such ease too."
"Oh dear, we've been at this crossroad before Father M. How very dull. Here, have a macaroon. That'll perk you up." said Mrs. P passing Father M. a large plate of cookies. "My doctor apologized because since I had seen him last some pharmaceutical company has certified him for performing something called permanent birth control."
It has? He did? What did you say? asked Father M. feeling the immediate effects of the macaroon upon his blood sugar.
"I congratulated him on his new-found proficiency with firearms."
"Huh?"
"Funny, his reaction was the same too." said Mr. P "But it shouldn't be. Everyone knows the only way to perform permanent birth control on women is to take out the men in their lives, permanently. Pills and surgeries don't always work as the plumber who services my neighborhood just found out. Boy, were his customers shocked too. So was his wife. Why that's the real reason..."
"Mrs. P stop!" interrupted Father M. "You are telling me way too much."
"Am I?" asked Mrs. P, "I don't think so. Everyone knows about the plumber. It's common knowledge, Father M. As well as completely common."
"I'll trust you on that." said Father M. "Now, back to your doctor's apology."
"Oh, well that was simple. He knows I'm against birth control. He was afraid the framed certificate stating he was certified to perform permanent birth control offended me and I would leave his practice."
"Hmmn. That would be an achievement. What happened?"
"He told me that he has to do this because of the morality of his patients. He said it was better to do this than watch his patients get pregnant and, because he does not perform abortions, go off to an abortion mill to kill the baby. If the abortionist botches it, which happens much more frequently than people are aware, the hospital doesn't tell the abortionist to come in and fix it. They tell my doctor to because he's the woman's real physician. My doctor does go in to save the woman's life. The terrible thing is that he doesn't know if he's actually the one who kills the baby. He has no way of telling whether the baby is alive or dead. He just knows chances are good that in the process of saving his patient he ended up finishing the abortionist's satanic work. Nice, huh?"
Sad, really." said Father M.
"That's why I told my doctor I felt bad for him."
"Ahh, now this is beginning to make sense." said Father M. "So?"
"So when my doctor said it was the morality of his patients, that caused him to do this, I couldn't help but think of you and the morality of your patients, so to speak." said Mrs. P
Father M. chuckled. "My flock would probably not appreciate that term."
"Hmmn. I suppose not. But that'd what we are in the real scheme of things, aren't we? asked Mrs. P. "Anyway, Father M., I've been wondering about you. May I ask you a question?"
Father M. saw Mrs. P's guns were now squarely aimed at him. He realised, with something that came perilously close to the sin of despair, that Mr. P was of no help. Hours would pass before he returned from the office. What to do, what to do? he thought. Then it came to him. "Sure, why don't you ask your question first and then pop into the kitchen and make a fresh pot of Christine's tea? She'll be pleased to hear how we've enjoyed it"
"Father M., How do you bury the mafia?"
To be continued...
Yes, Nigella, Basil does look like the doctor who delivered Andrew Cusack's future wife.
I thought I told you not to tell Basil. Now I'll have to kill him.
Posted by: Card's wife | October 19, 2007 at 03:45 PM
snap.
Posted by: Marupa | October 19, 2007 at 03:46 PM
Well, at least he'll die happy.
Posted by: Mrs. Peperium | October 19, 2007 at 03:46 PM
Not Andrew Cusack's future wife! Can't you find a more appropriate beau for Miss P?
What about that fellow who plays the character in those Harry Potter films?
Or perhaps Francois Steyn, who went to the same high school as Laurens van der Post?
(Are the Peperiums chosing a side in tommorrow's World Cup Final? I'm rooting for England, but I only have a Springboks rugby shirt, so I'll have to wear that. Coincidentally, it will be the second weekend in a row that I am contrarian in the realm of fashion, as last week I wore a Partido Justicialista pin on my tweed jacket to a gathering in Guilford, Connecticut).
Or surely the Pope must have a great-nephew to spare?
Posted by: Andrew Cusack | October 19, 2007 at 11:11 PM
Andrew, your memory has departed. Andrew Cusack's future wife and Roger Kimball's future daughter-in-law are two different young ladies. And one is younger than the other. RKFDIL was not delivered by the doctor that resembles Basil, your future wife was. As for a more appropriate beau for her goes, as long as you remain on the market, you are still an option for her. So either resign yourself to what could be a most happy fate. Or get to work at removing yourself off the dance card.
World's Cup Final? South Africa or England? Hmmn...in my eyes both are equally dreadful choices. I'll take Portugal.
Andrew, now we must talk. First Ron Paul. Now Juan Peron. Have you gone fascist?
Posted by: Mrs. Peperium | October 20, 2007 at 08:08 AM
Nigella?
Posted by: Christine | October 20, 2007 at 09:42 AM
The Card's wife believes I resemble her. Which is very kind and generous. But the truth is my hair is silver, my bust is more ample, my teeth lack veneers, and the food I prepare is nicer. But like Nigella I do live with an ad guy. But I am married to mine and he does not have perverted tastes in art like her ad guy does.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=480185&in_page_id=1879
Posted by: Mrs. Peperium | October 20, 2007 at 09:56 AM
I get very confused! Patum Peperium needs a glossary or compendium. "Novanglian Jacobinery Explained" seems an appropriate title for the section on Mrs. P.
I am not, nor have I ever been in any regard a supporter, admirer, or kindred spirit to the evil Peron. But the PJ has such a fetching escudo (emblem)!
Argentine politics gets so confusing these days though. The Peronists are divided between the pro-K Peronists and the anti-K Peronists, both groups who mostly loathe Peron, who is only loved by the CGT labor union (think Teamsters) who strike all the time because, hey, it beats working for a living. Then there are the Radicals, who (of course) are divided between the pro-K faction and the anti-K faction. Then there is the Socialist Party, which is mostly anti-K but just partly pro-K.
Take all the K factions together and you have the 'Frente para la Victoria', the united Kirchnerite front organization. Now, Kirchner, who is a Peronist, likes to think that the PJ (Peronist Party) is part of the Frente, but then the conservative Peronists (the ones who REALLY despise Peron, remember) say "No way, José!" (Or rather "Néstor" as it were). Then there are reformists folks like Lopez Murphy, Lavagna, and Macri, all of whom nobody likes because they would put the entire country back on track and deprive us of the soap opera that is Argentine politics.
Anyway, it's all irrelevant because it's a dead cert that the First Lady is going to be the next president. And you didn't think things could get any worse!
Posted by: Andrew Cusack | October 20, 2007 at 05:49 PM
Mrs P, if you get into any of those English hereditary societies, you could wear one of these shirts.
http://galleries.lycos.co.uk/d/14416-2/nigellaB.jpg
Posted by: MCNS | October 20, 2007 at 06:35 PM
Andrew, are you getting senile? I can't believe that you have forgotten that I am your future mother-in-law. They must be working you too hard at TNC. Tell Panero you need a vacation.
Posted by: Card's wife | October 20, 2007 at 07:16 PM
Andrew, come and vacation in Detroit. See how the less unfortunate live, up front and very personal. You can bunk up with Little Bertie. He has Thomas the tank engine sheets. Very British. Take the Card's wife's Boxter for a spin around what was once a very beautiful City (80 years ago) and see if you can make it back to the 'burbs with all the hubcaps still on.
Irish Elk, you are the naughty one aren't you? It looks as if Nigella's teeth aren't the only things with veneers, huh?
Posted by: Mrs. Peperium | October 20, 2007 at 07:46 PM
Mrs. P,
Are you really going to let the "Novanglian Jacobinery" crack pass? Surely you can think of an equally vivid soubriqet for your friend?
Posted by: Christine | October 21, 2007 at 03:33 AM
Christine, I have long made it a practice of not making fun of those who ride the short bus to the polling boths on Election Day. Mr. Cusack is not only a registered Democrat --you know the party of Death and worse--, he supports Ron Paul.
By the way, for all the Ron Paul fanciers out there, I have it on impeccable authority that a Christopher Manion is not to be trusted. In fact, Manion lies.
It is my hope that if I just keep ignoring Mr. Cusack's politics, they like Ron Paul, will eventually go away. Mr. Cusack has such potential it be a shame to see him head off on what can only be a political Donner party...
Posted by: Mrs. Peperium | October 22, 2007 at 08:42 AM
Registered Democrat?!? From what sordid realm of your imagination did you pull that whopper?!?
And who on earth is Christopher Manion?
The United States are turning into a political Donner party.
Jacobinism! Whiggery! Carthago delenda est!
Posted by: Andrew Cusack | October 22, 2007 at 10:02 AM
"Registered Democrat?!? From what sordid realm of your imagination did you pull that whopper?!?"
My interrogation techniques have no match...See how much I can extract?
"The United States are turning into a political Donner party."
This is why I no longer pay attention to it. The people who will be most affected in the next election will be the unborn, not me. My vote will go to whoever bests supports them in the big race. I let the more enthusiastic among us decide which 2 will pit off against each other.
Oh the second most affected group in the next election, should a Democrat get in the Oval Office, will be the home schoolers. Just watch. It will be like Janet Reno and Waco all over again.
Posted by: Mrs. Peperium | October 22, 2007 at 11:36 AM
"The people who will be most affected in the next election will be the unborn, not me. My vote will go to whoever bests supports them in the big race."
Hillary versus Rudy would be pretty grim.
Posted by: Andrew Cusack | October 22, 2007 at 12:48 PM
Rudy would appoint strict-construction judges and that's all a president can do for the unborn at this point.
Posted by: Anon Logger | October 22, 2007 at 03:23 PM
More precisely, Rudy SAYS he'll appoint such judges. He's also said "til death do us part" to three different women.
Still, there's a slight chance we'll get good judges from Giuliani. There's no chance we'll get them from Mrs. Clinton.
Posted by: Andrew Cusack | October 22, 2007 at 05:41 PM
True enough.
Posted by: Anon Logger | October 22, 2007 at 10:52 PM
Mrs. P,
I lost all interest in politics sometime during my second year of law school, upon the discovery of the infinitely more interesting, more staid, more cerebral subject of jurisprudence. Having said that, I'd be curious to know what about Ron Paul offends. Is it his position on the war? Because the man is as pro-life as one gets...
Posted by: Christine | October 23, 2007 at 03:33 AM
Offends is much too strong of a word. Frankly, when people get into who's-the-real-conservative debate, I lose total interest. Then add who-is-really-the-next-Ronald-Reagan and I'm starting to wistfully think about stone cottages in Ireland and a life of herding sheep. Can political debate be more boring? Can life be more boring?
In marketing that is called the tipping point. Through the offices of talk radio and politcal magazines, people have drunk the Koolaid that we need a new Ronald Reagan. Guess what? Ronald Reagan wasn't the Ronald Reagan he became when he was elected. Who is the real conservative? Well, no one can say because there are as many brands of conservatism competing out there as there are protestant denominations.
For a president temperment is important. As is the soundness of mind. Since we've already had a r*pist and a man who used a White House intern as his own personal cigar humidor, a thrice-married guy can safely assume the office with no lessening the stature of it. A thrice-maried guy is not the ideal, but since when is politics about the ideal. Politics is about compromise. Thrice-married is about as compromised as you can get. All this said, I'm not a fan of Rudy. I've long liked that Duncan bloke and that Huckabee.
But the problem is who is going to sock Mrs. Clinton in the kisser? She needs it as well as a few bangs over the head with a cast iron frying pan (attention FBI, I am speaking figuratively here in regards to Mrs. Clinton, not literally) That will be the guy who wins. Mrs. Clinton is not qualified and more than that 50% of people say NOW they would not vote for her. Yet her male opponents in the Dem ranks are too afraid to make fun of her and her ideas. They send their wives out to fight for them. Total girlie-boys trying to dress and act like a Kennedy. Those male opponents have forgotten something about the Kennedys - one of the most dangerous dates for a girl to go on is with a Kennedy boy. A girl's chances of ending up dead or crippled are higher than any other family in America, the Gambinos excepted. Hillary's Dem. opponents can hit her as long as they are well-dressed and perfectly coiffed when they do it. Seriously. The female voter, especially the more-educated, votes purely on looks and stature. Why else would they have put Bill Clinton in office twice? Surely not for his treatment of women but I digress. Besides the laugh was on them because he clearly has always preferred the fun uneducated beauty queen types to the more educated horse-faced drips as my mother would say...
As for Ron Paul not being the candidate of choice, the increasingly unhinged John Derbyshire actually had a terrific moment of clarity (this does happen with even those suffering great mental trauma) with Ron Paul a few months back. Enjoy:
http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=MDkyYzdkNDNjM2QzMmI1NGEzZmEzYWRjYzQ0OTgxNmU=
Posted by: Mrs. Peperium | October 23, 2007 at 08:21 AM
Ever since the death of John Kennedy in 1963 and the attendant rise of the Camelot mythology, the Democrats have been fated to searching for the next John Kennedy and, in him, the restoration of Camelot.
I'm sure many Democrats see Mrs. Clinton's candidacy as offering something of a chance at "restoration" (truly, one of the bright threads that run through American political history's fabric--hmmm, there's a post in that methinks). However, their enthusiasm probably is tempered by the fact the Camelot she would restore was an often-comical, often-contemptible imitation of the original. Moreover, as hard as her handlers may try, Mrs. Clinton cannot be cast as loveable. Bill Clinton, we were told, was a rougish bad boy who charmed women into wanting to be his mother or his mistress. Bill Clinton felt our pain to an extent that he was chaplain to the nation--well, that is, when he wasn't building that bridge to the 21st century. Mrs. Clinton seems intent on forcing us to take our cod-liver oil while hectoring us about the messiness of our rooms.
But I digress.
Much as the Democrats are ensnared by dreams of a new Kennedy, the Republicans now struggle in the much the same trap, except we are looking for a new Reagan. The trouble is, of course, that just as Kennedy probably was possible only in the late 1950s and early 1960s, Ronald Reagan was possible only in the late 1970s and the 1980s. The political and social conditions in which Reagan honed his message and made his case cannot be replicated. Plus, let's not forget, on many issues, there is a sizeable gap between Reagan the Legend and Reagan the Reality.
Moreover, politicians who assert that they are fit for the Presidency because they provide the best impersonation of a renowned political figure are not all that inspiring. They should pause to realize that the people whose mantle they are tussling over were originals and cast themselves as such. Kennedy, for example, didn't sell himself as a new FDR or a new Jefferson. Reagan did not assert that he was Ike Redux or The Return of Lincoln.
Posted by: Old Dominion Tory | October 23, 2007 at 11:19 AM