Fear and Loathing in Georgetown
FLG
A Conversation
There is a knock at the FLGs' door.
Mrs. FLG: It's three am. Who's knocking at this hour?
FLG: How should I know?
FLG walks to the door, looks through the peep hole, and sees two men in cheap suits.
FLG (yelling through the door): What do you want? It's three in the morning.
Fitz: Special Agent Fitz, FBI. Please open up.
FLG leans up against the door to prevent a kick in, unlocks the deadbolt, and opens the door a crack.
FLG: Can I see some ID?
They show two IDs, but FLG has no idea what a real FBI ID looks like. He decides to let them in.
Fitz: I'm Special Agent Fitz. This is Special Agent Mallory. Sorry to bother you at this hour...
FLG: Ungodly hour.
Fitz: Sorry to bother you at this ungodly hour, but we have reason to believe you may have been in contact with some people of interest.
FLG: The guy upstairs is a complete asshole, but whatever you think he has done, he probably hasn't. Mrs. FLG and I thought he murdered his wife, but I saw her yesterday.
Mallory: Not him. The Catholic Blog Mafia.
FLG: You're kidding me, right?
Fitz: Do we look like we are joking?
FLG: No, you appear to have had your humor removed via colonoscopy.
Fitz: What do you know about them?
FLG: Nothing. They seem like nice enough folks though.
Fitz: You have no idea what they are capable of.
FLG: What are they capable of?
Mallory: For starters elk and llama smuggling.
FLG: I thought it was llama butchering?
Mallory: That's step 2. Step 1, smuggle llamas. Step 2, butcher llamas. Step 3, profit. Get it?
FLG: Okay, that's the llamas. Irish Elk appears to be a pleasant fellow. He just posts crazy cool old shit.
Fitz: Codes, Mr. in Georgetown, those are codes.
FLG: Like Blue Horseshoe loves Anacot Steel?
Mallory: Far more treacherous.
Fitz: Are you familiar with steganography?
FLG: Yes.
Fitz (relieved): Thank goodness. Most of the time when I tell people messages can be hidden in pictures and videos they ask how. Explaining it takes so much time, and even then they don't get it. Anyway, you see what we are dealing with here.
FLG: Yes, you two are nuts.
Mallory: We are not nuts, Mr. in Georgetown. You are in way over your head. You probably think Sir Basil Seal is simply a nice man who sits home and reads all day.
FLG: He isn't?
Mallory: That's your nice man.
FLG falls off his chair.
FLG: Holy shit! I pictured him as Col. Mustard.
Fitz: Holy shit is right, Mr. in Georgetown. Why else did you think he is so interested in 007?
FLG: What about Mrs. Peperium? She seems so nice as well.
Mallory: Deadly. You should see what she keeps under that nightshirt of hers.
FLG: Mr. P probably wouldn't like that.
Mallory: Mr. P is dead, you naive fool! Read the website! Poets' Coroner -- Mr. P discusses dead white guys...himself included.
FLG: What do you want me to do?
Fitz: Nothing right now. Keep a low profile. This area is crawling with their agents. Be especially careful when in Arlington. It's a hotbed of activity.
FLG: But I'm in Arlington almost everyday.
Mallory: We'll be in touch, Mr. in Georgetown. If you live that long. We have to follow up on a guy who calls himself The Maximum Leader.
Mrs. FLG: It's three am. Who's knocking at this hour?
FLG: How should I know?
FLG walks to the door, looks through the peep hole, and sees two men in cheap suits.
FLG (yelling through the door): What do you want? It's three in the morning.
Fitz: Special Agent Fitz, FBI. Please open up.
FLG leans up against the door to prevent a kick in, unlocks the deadbolt, and opens the door a crack.
FLG: Can I see some ID?
They show two IDs, but FLG has no idea what a real FBI ID looks like. He decides to let them in.
Fitz: I'm Special Agent Fitz. This is Special Agent Mallory. Sorry to bother you at this hour...
FLG: Ungodly hour.
Fitz: Sorry to bother you at this ungodly hour, but we have reason to believe you may have been in contact with some people of interest.
FLG: The guy upstairs is a complete asshole, but whatever you think he has done, he probably hasn't. Mrs. FLG and I thought he murdered his wife, but I saw her yesterday.
Mallory: Not him. The Catholic Blog Mafia.
FLG: You're kidding me, right?
Fitz: Do we look like we are joking?
FLG: No, you appear to have had your humor removed via colonoscopy.
Fitz: What do you know about them?
FLG: Nothing. They seem like nice enough folks though.
Fitz: You have no idea what they are capable of.
FLG: What are they capable of?
Mallory: For starters elk and llama smuggling.
FLG: I thought it was llama butchering?
Mallory: That's step 2. Step 1, smuggle llamas. Step 2, butcher llamas. Step 3, profit. Get it?
FLG: Okay, that's the llamas. Irish Elk appears to be a pleasant fellow. He just posts crazy cool old shit.
Fitz: Codes, Mr. in Georgetown, those are codes.
FLG: Like Blue Horseshoe loves Anacot Steel?
Mallory: Far more treacherous.
Fitz: Are you familiar with steganography?
FLG: Yes.
Fitz (relieved): Thank goodness. Most of the time when I tell people messages can be hidden in pictures and videos they ask how. Explaining it takes so much time, and even then they don't get it. Anyway, you see what we are dealing with here.
FLG: Yes, you two are nuts.
Mallory: We are not nuts, Mr. in Georgetown. You are in way over your head. You probably think Sir Basil Seal is simply a nice man who sits home and reads all day.
FLG: He isn't?
Mallory: That's your nice man.
FLG falls off his chair.
FLG: Holy shit! I pictured him as Col. Mustard.
Fitz: Holy shit is right, Mr. in Georgetown. Why else did you think he is so interested in 007?
FLG: What about Mrs. Peperium? She seems so nice as well.
Mallory: Deadly. You should see what she keeps under that nightshirt of hers.
FLG: Mr. P probably wouldn't like that.
Mallory: Mr. P is dead, you naive fool! Read the website! Poets' Coroner -- Mr. P discusses dead white guys...himself included.
FLG: What do you want me to do?
Fitz: Nothing right now. Keep a low profile. This area is crawling with their agents. Be especially careful when in Arlington. It's a hotbed of activity.
FLG: But I'm in Arlington almost everyday.
Mallory: We'll be in touch, Mr. in Georgetown. If you live that long. We have to follow up on a guy who calls himself The Maximum Leader.
FLG can be found day and night at Fear and Loathing in Georgetown
Rex Stout? Brilliant. Nero Wolfe? So completely satisfactory that you'd think that an understatement. Archie Goodwin? Hilarious as hell and he has a good right hook as well. Fritz? Good at frying that fried chicken he refuses to fry. Me? I'll have a Remmers. Pfui!
Seeing a bunch of Nero Wolfe allusions over at the my favourite relish? So priceless I can't make a bad joke about it.
Now to water the Phalaenopsis Aphrodite that I dubbed 'Theodore' in honor of the gardener of that eccentric fellow who rather unimpressively is supposed to awe us with his one seventh of a ton torso.
Posted by: Mitchell Bond | September 27, 2008 at 04:23 AM