"About three weeks into this extended experiment in frugality my grandmother sat down to dinner and a button popped on her skirt's waistband. My sister, on the other hand, had lost 5 pounds. And my cousin, being a guy, had lost more than 10."
"How could the grand old lady be bursting buttons? Was she cheating?"
"They didn't know. By this point my sister and cousin were calling me every day begging me to FedEx them cash so they could go to the General Store and get some food. I kept refusing to do it because that was cheating. And my grandmother did not approve of cheating. So when my grandmother's button popped right in front of their eyes, they rang me up with the proof she was cheating. And they demanded that I send them cash so they could cheat, too."
"Did you send them any?"
"Send them money? Basil, my attitude about money is like my grandmother's. It's mine. The only difference between us is that she married hers while I earned mine. Besides, this was too good. Far too good. My grandmother had them over a barrel. Do you really think I would be so stupid as to help them get off of it?"
"No."
"Good answer. Besides, we didn't know if my grandmother really was cheating. It's a terrible thing to accuse someone of cheating. And, as it turns out, my grandmother wasn't cheating. She had, like a good Episcopalian, just followed her living on a dollar a day rule to the letter.
"How?"
"She had decreed they would live on a dollar a day. And they did. It was just that there was an obvious loophole."
"The alcohol?"
"No. The alcohol was the codicil. The loophole was hospitality."
"Your grandmother was able to entertain on a dollar a day?"
"No. She was allowed to be entertained on a dollar a day."
"Huh?"
"Sometimes you're as thick as my sisters. Gosh Basil. You've forgotten the reason my sister and cousin were allowed to go up there in the first place. They were there to watch my grandmother with her friends, remember?
"Oh, yes. The hard-bitten apple dolls.
"Oh, how they would have loved you," said Mrs. P, laughing. "Yes, those apple dolls were the variety who beat their children and grandchildren whenever they could. That summer they all joined forces to whip my sister and cousin soundly.
"How?"
"Easy. For more than 50 summers my grandmother made a daily round of visits among the cottages. The Home Office had expected my sister and cousin to accompany her on these rounds. But college kids never think hanging out with apple dolls on the porch is fun, much less worth their while. My sister and cousin were no different. Instead of going with my grandmother, they chose to stay home, drink, and call me begging for cash. That was their fatal mistake. Because when the children were away that was when the apple dolls played. While my sister and cousin were trying to shake me down for my hard earned cash, the apple dolls were feeding my grandmother to keep her strength up. And they were feeding her so well, she began gaining weight and eventually popping her buttons. She had never eaten so well in her life as she ate that summer."
"Apple dolls after my own wicked heart. So what happened to your sister and cousin?"
"First they had to pawn the cocktail shaker."
"They have pawn shops on that island?"
"No. My grandmother offered them $15 cash for it. Then, when the $15 was eaten up, the best thing that could have happened, actually happened."
"What?"
"They had to get summer employment."
"Hah Hah!" said Sir Basil.
"I know. said Mrs. P laughing. "But getting a summer job on the island midsummer is impossible. So the apple dolls had to pull some strings. They got them work cleaning fish at the sardine factory. The smell of which caused them to lose their appetites."
"But I beseech your Grace, pardon me; I was born to speak all mirth and no matter."
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