Patum Peperium: About Midnight Mass

Man about Mayfair

Sir Basil Seal

Sir Basil Seal's Guide for heretics planning to attend

Midnight Mass

(PLEASE STAY AWAY)

As some of you know, it is somewhat the fashion for the Prods (read heretics) to crash our party, as it were, and attend the Midnight Mass. Usually at the largest and most ornate cathedral available in the area. This is, of course, a true case of "church envy" which the Prods (read heretics) only openly admit to at Christmas. Well, if you must, and one must welcome all kinds into the house of God, one supposes, I have set forth some rules for you to follow. This will help to alleviate our pain as you drink the Holy Water and generally stink up the place:

Note: I personally will be at the Tridentine, or Latin Mass, I like to keep it old and cold, but don't think for one minute that I won't be watching...The following pertains to the Norvus Ordo, or New Order Mass (don't even get me started), since your heathen hide won't be allowed into a Latin Mass. Do not come and sully the Latin Mass. Visit the New Order Mass and let the Vatican II folks reap what they have sown. The Midnight Mass, held at the stroke of midnight as Christmas Eve ticks into Christmas Day, has its origins in the belief that Christ was born at exactly that hour. Note: For you prods and sadly, for some Catholics, Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. Not J. C. Penny. Note: A Roman Catholic priest is addressed as 'Father' and you will address a bishop as...Well, you won't address a bishop as he wouldn't speak to a Luther loving heretic such as yourself. Rule 1: Arrive early and take a seat in the very back...Please leave the good seats available for the true Christians. And if you don't turn off that damn cell phone and Ipod, you will be taken out and burned at the stake. Burned nicely, but burned none the less. Peace, brother. Rule 2: Dress appropriately, although I have personally driven shorts and t-shirt wearing supposed Catholics from the Temple myself, I would ask that you refrain from dressing like your children as usual and wear adult clothing, i.e. suits for men and dresses for women (Note to Episcopalians: dresses are for women only). At least remove the baseball cap and put some damn socks on, you reformation rabble... Rule 3: Open your heart to the spirit and symbolism of Christmas portrayed in the Mass. There will usually be lots of sacred music, Christmas decorations, candles, scripture readings and perhaps a crèche. Unlike a mainline Prod service, the Mass is actually a worship service in which God is present. And our God does not believe you are the center of his universe. Get over it. Rule 4: This is important, so listen carefully...If you are not a Roman Catholic, do not, I repeat, do not take communion in a Roman Catholic Church. Sleep quietly, pretending to pray, while the true Christians receive communion. It is considered very rude to leave during this part of the Mass, so sit tight, it will not kill you to miss part of American Idol on this occasion. Rule 5: When everyone kneels, you kneel. When everyone stands, you stand. When everyone sits down, you sit down. There is a Missal in the rack before you, inside you will find the service, so you can follow along. Sorry, no video is available, you will actually have to read it... If you need help, ask a Catholic. Before entering a pew, Catholics genuflect toward the alter, so do not knock some poor old blue hair down in your rush to take her seat. And while you are there, it would probably be good to genuflect and then prostate yourself before the altar and beg forgiveness for being the miserable heretic that you are. Rule 6: If you are given a candle, hold onto it...There will be a time during the service where you will have to pull it from your nose, (or if an Episcopalian, other orifices), and light it. Rule 7: If you are at a non-Latin Mass, you will need to have washed your filthy hands...You will be asked to make the sign of peace, or some such nonsense, which means shake hands all around like Methodists. (A Methodist is a Baptist who can read) I personally never do this as a sign of solidarity with the Holy Father, so you can stand still and glare balefully at those around you if you like, I do. Do not use this as an excuse to grope the girls and women, (or men if you're an Episcopalian). Don't give anyone germs, or worse... There you have it...Please don't, but if you must go, follow these simple rules, but it would be best if you just stayed home and watched the telly and played your new video game, like you always do.