Madame's Nightshirt
Mrs. Peperium
MOTUS did.
One day my second grade teacher, Miss Jane Brodie, asked our class to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up. After thinking a bit, I drew myself wearing a long, sleeveless, pink gown with pearls, evening gloves, and matching pink shoes standing on a green lawn with a white house in the background. When all of the pictures were done, Miss Brodie called us one by one to stand up before the class and explain what we wanted to be. Soon it was my turn,
"First Lady of the United States."
The room broke up laughing. Miss Brodie told the class to be quiet. Then she turned on me.
"Ms. P, First Lady of the United States is not a job. The instruction was to draw a real profession. When the rest of the class goes to out to recess, you will stay inside and draw another picture."
The class left for recess and I, completely humiliated, remained at my desk drawing a new picture. When it was done, I presented it to Miss Brodie who had been sitting at her desk.
"What are you?"
"A dentist."
"Is that what you really want to be when you grow up?"
"Yes."
"Very good. You may go join the class at recess."
Dear readers, you know how the rest of the story turned out. I did not grow up to be a dentist. To add insult to that long ago injury, last year America elected a Princeton and Harvard Law School educated First Lady, Michelle Obama, whose greatest personal achievement are her toned arms and her greatest professional achievement is the wearing of a sleeveless gown. Unless of course you are a Liberal and can only see things in black and white. Liberals believe Michelle Obama being the first African American First Lady of the United States is her greatest professional achievement as it doesn't matter to them if she is a good First Lady or bad one. All that matters that she is African American. Leaving aside it is incredibly racist of Liberals to judge any of Michelle's achievements, even one bought and paid for by the Unions, solely on the basis of her skin color, and incredible piggy of Michelle Obama to ride unearned Black privilege right into the White House, Liberals also think Michelle Obama has taste. And style. Sadly, Liberals only know reality when it coshes them at the ballot box. Even then, they refuse to understand it.
Happily for those of us who enjoy reality, we live in the era of Michelle's Mirror. Michelle's Mirror, or MOTUS as we fondly call her, not only does exactly what a mirror is supposed to do, she is performing the constitutional duty our independent press is supposed to do but has failed most horribly with this particular presidency : MOTUS allows us see the real First Lady, Spanx lines and all. This most rare and refreshingly honest view of the First Lady causes MOTUS's readership to let the cat fur fly in the comment section. Last week MOTUS took her readers' flying cat fur to the next level by introducing the weekly When Snark Attacks contest with a Golden FLOTUS is awarded at the end of each week. With a little help of my friends -ok, ok- a lot of help from my friends, I won with,
"The first ensemble must be First Lady's nod to solar panel heating."
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My acceptance speech:
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MOTUS, this is our moment. This is our time. Our time to turn the page on Michelle Obama's failed outfits of the past. Our time to bring new energy and new snark to the very real wardrobe challenges we face. Our time to offer a new standard of comedy for the country we love.
The journey will be difficult. The road will be long. I face this challenge with profound humility, and knowledge of my own limitations. But I also face it with limitless faith in the capacity of the rest of your readers. Because if we are willing to work for it, and fight for it, and believe in it, then I am absolutely certain that generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal; this was the moment when we ended a war and secured our nation and restored our image as the last, best-dressed country on earth. This was the moment—this was the time—when we came together to make fun of this First Lady so that Michelle's Mirror's comments section may always reflect our very best selves and our highest ideals. Thank you MOTUS, super secret committee and most all, thank you voters. Especially the dead in Cook County who hadn't turned out to vote since Jackie Kennedy's day. God bless you, and may God bless Michelle's Mirror.
Dear readers, it was only when I sat down to tell you about this win that I realized I had forgotten to thank some one else who was critical in making me the snarkster I grew up to be : I 'd like to thank my second grade teacher, Miss Jane Brodie.
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Snark on!
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And do visit Michelle's Mirror daily. It's too much fun not to.
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Again, congratulations to you, Mrs. Peperium.
Your snark richly deserved victory, just as Mayor Daley the Elder always deserved his victories.
Posted by: Old Dominion Tory | December 22, 2009 at 10:26 AM
Mrs.P
You have indeed set a high standard for future winners of this esteemed award.
It's nice to have someone raise the bar for a change: we've become so accustomed to digging a deeper hole in order to drop it down another notch.
You have validated the wisdom of your millions of friends and fans who voted early (and often).
Posted by: MOTUS | December 22, 2009 at 05:16 PM
I don't mean to reply in a snarky manner. But you only used "I" three times in that acceptance speech. You need to work on your self esteem, I think.
Posted by: Crackie | December 23, 2009 at 11:46 AM